fhqwhgads (serendipity1827) wrote,

a thought.

stasia and i were talking the other night about getting medication.

see, we've realized we both experience our depression in exactly the same way.
i guess our theory on how we're pretty much the same person isn't that far-fetched.

but what about other people that are just that close to being me?
i'm not talking about people that share similar interests or anything so simple.
i'm talking about people that are so similar to me that i feel like i grew up with them.
like...for example,...matt. or ned. or even, god forbid, dan.

does that mean that the connection i've felt is not just a more...spiritual experience...but also a chemical one?
of course, there's always chemistry.. (haha, jokes jokes..)
but i mean are our brains functioning the same way, and in essence, on the same wavelength?
even the healthier connections i've made (matt and ned really) seem to have a darker side lurking.
whereas with dan, it was obvious that he was losing his mind and probably needs medication.

my thought, and it's not an accusation or anything but perhaps a "to girl with hammer" moment,
is--if such great and similar people like anastasia and i probably should be on meds,
does that mean that my counterparts are also in a similar position?
perhaps the men i've dealt with are just simply unstable, underdeveloped crazy people.
or maybe they've also devised ways (really really good and useful ways, mind you) of dealing with depression.

now, i don't really know about matt, but i do know that ned was telling me about how he usually get depressed in the winter.
he told me that in the context that last winter he wasn't because i was around.
(yeah, and then i dumped him at the end of march.)
but he didn't understand that we were probably both very depressed,
it's just that i provided him with a good enough distraction.
meanwhile, i got even worse regardless of his emotional state.
it wasn't like he made it worse, but i couldn't feel better.

and i've spent the past year really coping.
stasia and i were also talking about how if you try to find where it starts, you'll just be reaching on for your whole life.
i was doing a lot of introspective thinking on it for a while,
really searching for where all the insecurities come from and all that,
and i realized that while each situation i've been through has really added,
there was something that was already... "broken" to begin with.
we were also talking about how, for people with our issue, we've done a really good job at dealing.
it's been really useful to go through what i have to learn how to cope with all of my crazy thoughts.
for example: i don't lead myself in circles quite so often and when i get stuck, i'm more likely to get out.
i've really started to get a hang on how to keep myself out of the dark spots,
but it's getting to a point where i think i need a little push.

it's also become apparent that i feel a little indignant that i don't get the credit for the work i've put into simply surviving.
and lately when i don't want to get a particular job at a particular place, i feel slightly as though it is because i'm being lazy.
i don't mean to be lazy, but i feel like i've put in so much time doing bitch work and dealing with shit without even getting enough praise
that none of this will ever be worth my damn time.
it makes me so fucking pissed off that i put so much effort in and get nothing out.
the definition of a machine is a system that you do work on, and get more energy/work out of.
so i feel like i'm dealing with a broken machine.
this isn't just the general effort like, "oh, i'm trying"
it's the extra that no one sees.
the effort it takes for me to get out of bed sometimes....it's like being sisyphus.
when all you want to do is shut off the world because it seems like an impossible thing to bare
and yet you keep doing something simple like....existing...
it's a lot more work than you'd think.

being depressed is fucking exhausting.
no one thinks of that.
not even the person that's depressed.
you just feel like you're burned out and you don't know why.
i felt like that all summer. (well...more than that, but we'll keep it simple)
i just thought i was just not used to the work or something stupid.
and i hid it well, really.
i worked long shifts, slept fucked up hours (either over or under sleeping), didn't exercise regularly, and drank and smoked when i felt like it.
don't get me wrong, i was having fun in there, too.
in fact, most of it seemed really fun to me.
but there are times when i would feel like less than 10 feet tall...and i would spiral down to being less than 10 inches.
i would feel so small, so useless and so sad...ugh.
it would just be a fucking bitch to think that i'd have to go through another shift.

i'm trying to just make this work.
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