fhqwhgads (serendipity1827) wrote,
fhqwhgads
serendipity1827

the list wagon. aka my fear of life.

random stuff i'm (pretty concerned/anxious about) doing:
  • this transcript for jon (i finished it halfway and it left me feeling drained at burned out.)
  • continuing my job search
  • getting to a psychiatrist/making an appointment
  • chores
  • packing more stuff away
  • mailing more stuff
  • starting a work out thing (running, yoga, lifting weights...you know...stuff.)
  • meditating
  • looking for a new place to live
  • practicing guitar
  • dying my hair
  • getting my hair cut
  • visiting the chiropractor
  • enjoying the sunshine
  • writing
  • going running
  • leaving the house
  • calling anyone
  • applying to more jobs
  • talking to anyone at snelling
  • getting shoes that don't make me feel insecure
  • applying for first aid squad membership
  • sorting through my belongings (oddly enough, a thing i'd like to do.)
  • sorting through my DIGITAL belongings (again, i really would like to do this. gradually, of course. i just have so much to organize, i wish i could lay it out on a bed or something.)
  • in retrospect, i could add "existing, it seems" to this list.
stuff i'm doing today:
  • calling to see if my ex-boss at the cafe or people at snelling can do a background check for me.
  • making an appointment with a therapist.
  • finishing the valley national bank application
  • writing down all the jobs i've applied for in the past 3 months.
  • washing dishes and sweeping the kitchen (generally putting stuff away in there)
  • call neptune about my PIN/password problem with online unemployment stuffage. this needs to not be so fucking difficult.
  • showering. i think.
  • throwing myself a mini concert in my room. for myself. yeah.
  • NOT buying anything starbucks.
  • eating. i mean,...i hear it's a good idea.
  • doing something from the above list that doesn't involve staring at my computer screen.
  • going to inkwell to see slam poetry, WOOOO!

shit that's freaking me out:
  • i'm still checking my facebook daily. gotta stop that.
  • i think i have another infection of some sort. idk, i was hacking up nasty stuff from my throat.
  • i don't want to be sick! not now, not never! ...wait.
  • finding food without buying it.
  • people that don't respond to text messages
  • people that don't respond to ANY messages.
  • waking up (or mentally waking up) after 12pm.
  • all the stuff i want to write and all the time i feel like i'm wasting.
  • owning so much stuff
  • i have to finish this transcript and just get it out.
  • mattmattmattmattmatt.... =/ attachment blows. fuck that.
  • i want to practice music and learn more about it all the time.
  • i miss school
  • bugs next to my bed! :(
  • becoming fat and useless
  • iwanttomakeartiwanttomakemusiciwanttomakeartiwanttomakemusic
  • i feel like i need better shoes. okay, straight up, i need better shoes/clothing. stuff that makes me feel comfortable without being frumpytown.
  • i really just want a job. seriously, it could be nearly anywhere at this point.



fun stuff i want (to do):
  • paint my face fun colors and/or fun patterns
  • practice guitar
  • climb a tree
  • get my hair dyed red
  • get a new nose stud
  • sing (on key) to a crowd of people
  • go through my belongings and get rid of crappy stuff and get new things
  • to make a cover cd with my friends
  • start a band? or maybe manage a band. or maybe have a studio. yeah.
  • make the first issue of the trunk
  • play dress up.
  • disappear into the woods for a week with friends


this is the kind of list-making that my "holy book of lists" can't even begin to deal with.
i just needed to find some way to give myself direction and sort out my thoughts.
i feel like...i don't know, i'm in a strange head-space.

i covered my chin in antibiotic ointment out of sheer anxiety that my blemishes are going to get worse.
i'm playing music in my room and i'm writing from the living room.
i feel like i did when i was left alone after school when i was younger.
blasting the stereo and bullshitting.
only, i want to be doing things that make this better.
all those things i regret not doing when i was younger...like...actually...living.

so many thoughts in my head today.
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