I have been a slacker. I have been a slacker for about 18 (or so) years of my life. (I'm not counting the first three as I think any three year old is either trying really hard to get it or just doing whatever the heck they feel like. Regardless of which, it is impossible to be a slacker until you have personal responsibility. Which may or may not start until age of four.)
That's not to say there haven't been periods of really highly motivated action on my part. Hell, I know that I'm not a completely proper slacker for a few reasons, one of which being that I've actually accomplished some cool things in my life. Another is that I'm pissed about it.
And I'm so sorry, friends, but I've realized that you are actually part of the problem. I was really hoping you would catch on and make me do that which needed to be done. I was hoping you would be as excited about life as I was. And you failed me.
Okay, that's really not it. This is not external. But you are the problem. Not because you did anything wrong. Or even if you have, you certainly haven't done something so wrong for this. But my explanation is this: you are the problem because I'm using you. I'm using you as a painful, ugly distraction. Don't you think that's unfair? I mean, I know I dislike the idea of being someone else's distraction quite thoroughly.
So, I am going to do a few things to make up for this. One is the slacker problem and the other is the distraction problem. They aren't mutually exclusive, but for my need to explain things, I'll pretend they are.
I've noticed I do a few things when I don't want to live up to my expectations or when I don't fucking feel like it or when I'm scared of the possibilities or when I'm just overwhelmed and so on and so forth. I try to break things down into steps. Everything. It is what makes me get so long-winded and eventually distracts me from the initial point that I mean to make.
My point is here. I've said it before and I will say it again with the intent of making it fucking stick: I am sick and tired of being this lazy person. I am twenty-one, living at home, going to community college, unemployed and wasting my time. This is stopping now. I have a stronger will than this and I'm sick of not only accomplishing nothing by the end of the day but watching myself be defeated.
My first (not chronologically or priority-wise, merely to separate things.) task will be ignoring you. You being my lovely friends and the wild roar of the internet. I don't mean that I want to forget you. (Well, maybe the internet..) I just can't keep everyone I know in my head anymore. Everyone's done it to me before--left when they needed to work on something/disappeared from social radar when their was something that needed to be dealt with, and now it's my turn.
The problem I find with social networking sites and blogs is that I feel even more pressured to hide when I'm having a really hard time. I have never felt a huge wave of sympathy for someone who writes in their facebook status: "...is feeling lonely." or "...wants to die today." And I'm not sure if it's a place that someone should be confessing those things. I think it really goes under the category of "telling everyone you took a giant poop" aka-TMI. I've had a lj for years and after a while I can see where I stopped being honest because I saw how little I really gave a SHIT when I saw someone else complaining. I just wanted to be like, "ugh, fuck you, grow a fucking pair." and break a little emo heart for the revolution.
Anyway, my point is that I have ended up using this tool to run away from my reality and even belittling my problems until I become a lazy fool. I honestly don't know what's more sick, the fact that I do it or that I know that I'm doing it as I continue to do so.
In this particular case, I am going to be completely honest as I have been for the whole post. I'm sick of lying and I'm sick of listening to what others are doing. I understand that being influenced by the opinions and actions of others is human, but to allow it to freeze you is just unacceptable. (And I guess in that sentence I really just mean myself.) At this point, I know that I am in trouble. I am really scared of becoming the guy that might only be good for giving tours of the town. Which means that I'm scared of being lower on the social ladder than the guy you know that's only in your phone because he knows that really awesome dealer and gets you the good weed.
T'any rate, what I mean is this: I've been too focused on other people's lives. I have lost my sense of self and, in doing so, my confidence. I've been slipping down the slippery slope for months and this is one of the ways I know how to climb back out. I've done silly things like set up goals for myself and not follow through. I've had a lot of "I will" statements posted in places without actually willing it so.
Internet, friends, texts, twitter: I am leaving you. You did it to me once (er, mostly) and I'm doing it to you. And what makes me the better person is that I'm saying it so you don't think I died or started hating you. (Although, I doubt you're as insecure as I was about all that. Look, you, shut up.)
Now this is so I cannot sabotage myself anymore.
Don't expect me to text back immediately. That goes for e-mails, phone calls, and facebook messages, too. I will only answer my phone if I'm not busy. My phone will be out of reach when I'm working on things...or even when I'm not working on things. It will primarily be my alarm clock and day planner.
If you need to reach me, leave a message on this post and I'll check it eventually. I will get back to you if you need me. Feel free to leave messages everywhere. I will probably reduce my usage of any service to once a week until anyone that gives a shit gets this message. (This will be cross-posted as much as I can just to make sure I keep out of all services.)
It's like saying "I love you but leave me the fuck alone."
This is as much a notice as it is a reminder to myself.