|Sunday, July 17th, 2011|
reading my old entries from summer of 07. man, i want that happy juice.|
but it's getting me motivated again, which is GREAT because i've been so exhausted and sad and lethargic and angry and snippy.....and just generally negative.
even when i was dealing with my heartache of the yatz thing, i seemed like i was a lot happier.
and that was the first summer after betty (my first car) died, so i had even more reason to be miserable...i guess.
i'm still tossing around the idea of going to big-girl-school.
i feel like it's pointless because i'm almost 23 and most of my peers have already graduated.
but i think if i'm really going off to study, then it's probably better to be wiser.
even getting a BA makes me nervous...not because i'm scared of getting a degree, though.
i'm nervous that i'm going to just fuck it up like the last 4 (on and off) years at brookdale.
but i want to be in school so bad.
i need structure, at least to push off of, and i'm not doing the best job of it on my own.
i'm slowly making some routine changes in my life.
working on sleeping before 3am has worked...now i'm slowly moving it closer to midnight.
i've cut back on smoking a lot (no more than 5 cigarettes a day), and it's crazy to think that i picked up smoking so quickly.
or that i was charging through a pack every two days.
(i still need to cut that number down) next step is to not buy another pack.
we'll see how well THAT works out.
i've been drinking a LOT of water again, too.
getting more done in the house.
next step is morning stretches and daily walks.
after that i'm going to be cutting stuff out of my diet.
sugar goes first.
caffeine is already gone.
then i cut out carbs entirely.
i'm going to become a mostly-raw girl by september.
i haven't been drinking as much, either.
i haven't smoked any weed since...was it the phish concert?
i need to keep working on my dreads, they're getting a little tangled and wonky.
my job search needs to be pumped the fuck up.
there's so much going on that isn't going on right now.
it's hard to explain, but that's the closest i've got.
i feel stuck and i'm trying to not be in that rut anymore.
3:57 pm - Writer's Block: Breaking the bad
What’s a bad habit that you really need to quit?
Smoking and biting my nails. And not exercising. And getting sucked into the computer.
|Friday, April 22nd, 2011|
it's been well over a week since i had the biggest crying jag since november/december.|
during which, my mother told me that if i kept sobbing, she was going to take me to the psych ward.
having visited yuri in the hospital and hearing her situation, i was not keen on the idea of being shoved into a room for a week or two and cut off from everyone i know and love.
and yet the idea is so tempting.
to just have myself signed in as a risk to my own life and production and let someone else take over.
or even just to get the help i need.
and i know i need some serious help.
i'm really good at putting on a good face when i'm out and about, or even with a close friend describing what's going on.
but in my head, i'm really scared and worried that i'm going to think it's a really good idea to do something awful.
i don't know if that means that i'm going to kill myself, or even that i would attempt.
but i've gotten back into the habit of self-sabotage and i know where that road goes.
last time i traveled that path pretty far, and i found myself on our kitchen floor, having been wrestled down by my mother.
so naturally, i'm worried as fuck.
getting to the point where i'm willing to give up the fight...is fucking terrifying.
i guess to me, i don't see it as just chemicals in my brain.
which is what it primarily is.
i see it as a fundamental flaw.
that i am made of broken material that won't fit together properly.
all i want to do is fuck shit up.
i just want to rip things apart and shred up whatever good i've made.
and since i really view the majority of life as benevolent and beautiful, this scares me.
that i could be a monster hiding in my own skin.
what if i'm willing to snap my own neck?
what would i do to the people around me?
i'm not sure what to do.
i know i need to talk to my doctor about this situation.
i need to tell him that i've felt suicidal and more depressed while on the medication.
but what then?
try out another medication?
what if that makes it much worse?
what if instead of just crying uncontrollably, i become maniacally angry and start doing violent things?
or if it makes me so depressed i just walk around like a zombie?
i don't know if i have the fucking patience to keep trying out medications and stepping nimbly around my responsibilities.
i'm not sure if i'm built to get through this way.
i'm just really scared and frustrated and confused and worried.
i want to start over, but i don't want to get put away.
i can't afford to get put away...
|Saturday, April 16th, 2011|
1:30 pm - 1/30
There are symbols we come to trust and depend on seeing.|
Sigils we learn that tell a story of their own
so each one may be a warning or a lesson,
something greater than the sum of its parts.
Where would we be if we turned a hazard sign to point to safety?
The Egyptians may have been onto something,
a symbol is not misconstrued
for having a different meaning
unless explicitly noted
-with words we pack a whole separate punch
depending on the tone or inflection
set deeply in the intent of a voice,
the gritting of teeth
and the silkly smoothness of a smile.
|Thursday, April 7th, 2011|
5:42 pm - awesome playlist i made. woot
i feel totally screwed with my school work.
i have spent the past week in the library and avoiding classes.
i don't think this is where i should be. there's something awful about me and school and always has been.
i'm half prepared to give up.
even spoke with my mother about my current status
and she told me to keep moving forward.
but i keep feeling like it'd be pointless.
even when i'm motivated i can't seem to concentrate on my work properly.
i'm feeling uninspired on the poetry front.
even unmotivated with finding work.
all things i need to fix.
i keep thinking i just need another nap.
seeing the midnight viewing of hanna tonight.
wanna see your highness, arthur, cat run, hop, and dylan dog.
that's all for now, really.
|Thursday, October 28th, 2010|
i can't tell if it's the wild frustration of waking up in the middle of the day and pursuing the act of not accomplishing anything or if it's the stark echo of feeling like it doesn't matter if i do or don't get anything done that really enrages me.|
i just know i'm feeling worse and feeling even more like i have no one to talk to.
thoughts running through my head about inadequacy make it hard to hang out with friends sometimes. (i tend to pick people that are rather "harsh" and sarcastic. not that my friends aren't sensitive people or can't figure out what isn't so tactful to say, but that sometimes we just play hard and don't always know when something might hit a tough spot.)
"why isn't anyone hiring me?"
"why can't i wake up in the morning?"
"why do i always feel so fat?"/"god, i look disgusting."
"why don't my friends call?"
because i'm not trying, i'm not caring/i'm running away, i'm not going out and taking care of myself, and because i'm waiting for the wrong people to call/i never call them.
shit. i don't know.
i should really just call the doctor.
|Tuesday, October 26th, 2010|
5:56 pm - urban dick-shunary.
4:40 pm - a few points.
i got a piano! |
a 76-key keyboard, to be precise.
it's a yamaha that can teach me to play music.
it excites me so.
although, i got it a week ago and i still haven't been able to play [with it] yet.
we're SOOOO close to getting this house on sunset!
i just hope there's no more bumps in that road.
mom's gotta work out a lease and settle legal stuff with twinbrook,
but...if all goes as planned, we should be moving in by december first! =D
i've been going to loser slam regularly again (well, the past three, i've gone.)
and i plan on becoming a regular on the mic.
and i hope on working a LOT more on my writing.
i went to a writing workshop this past weekend.
with some poets that have been to nationals and all
(and are really greattttt people. <3 jai!)
and they really liked my poetry.
i just have to stop thinking it's bad...even when i'm writing it.
more soon. cleaning and then carl time! =D
|Thursday, October 7th, 2010|
for the record, my goal, with facebook, is to not check any of my notifications until they reach something like 120.|
i'm at 99. i'm not checking again until the saturday, at the very earliest.
1:34 pm - the list wagon. aka my fear of life.
random stuff i'm (pretty concerned/anxious about) doing:( cut for convenience.Collapse )|
fun stuff i want (to do):
- paint my face fun colors and/or fun patterns
- practice guitar
- climb a tree
- get my hair dyed red
- get a new nose stud
- sing (on key) to a crowd of people
- go through my belongings and get rid of crappy stuff and get new things
- to make a cover cd with my friends
- start a band? or maybe manage a band. or maybe have a studio. yeah.
- make the first issue of the trunk
- play dress up.
- disappear into the woods for a week with friends
this is the kind of list-making that my "holy book of lists" can't even begin to deal with.
i just needed to find some way to give myself direction and sort out my thoughts.
i feel like...i don't know, i'm in a strange head-space.
i covered my chin in antibiotic ointment out of sheer anxiety that my blemishes are going to get worse.
i'm playing music in my room and i'm writing from the living room.
i feel like i did when i was left alone after school when i was younger.
blasting the stereo and bullshitting.
only, i want to be doing things that make this better.
all those things i regret not doing when i was younger...like...actually...living.
so many thoughts in my head today.
|Tuesday, October 5th, 2010|
12:29 am - a thought.
stasia and i were talking the other night about getting medication.|
see, we've realized we both experience our depression in exactly the same way.
i guess our theory on how we're pretty much the same person isn't that far-fetched.
but what about other people that are just that close to being me?
i'm not talking about people that share similar interests or anything so simple.
i'm talking about people that are so similar to me that i feel like i grew up with them.
like...for example,...matt. or ned. or even, god forbid, dan.
does that mean that the connection i've felt is not just a more...spiritual experience...but also a chemical one?
of course, there's always chemistry.. (haha, jokes jokes..)
but i mean are our brains functioning the same way, and in essence, on the same wavelength?
even the healthier connections i've made (matt and ned really) seem to have a darker side lurking.
whereas with dan, it was obvious that he was losing his mind and probably needs medication.
my thought, and it's not an accusation or anything but perhaps a "to girl with hammer" moment,
is--if such great and similar people like anastasia and i probably should be on meds,
does that mean that my counterparts are also in a similar position?
perhaps the men i've dealt with are just simply unstable, underdeveloped crazy people.
or maybe they've also devised ways (really really good and useful ways, mind you) of dealing with depression.
now, i don't really know about matt, but i do know that ned was telling me about how he usually get depressed in the winter.
he told me that in the context that last winter he wasn't because i was around.
(yeah, and then i dumped him at the end of march.)
but he didn't understand that we were probably both very depressed,
it's just that i provided him with a good enough distraction.
meanwhile, i got even worse regardless of his emotional state.
it wasn't like he made it worse, but i couldn't feel better.
and i've spent the past year really coping.
stasia and i were also talking about how if you try to find where it starts, you'll just be reaching on for your whole life.
i was doing a lot of introspective thinking on it for a while,
really searching for where all the insecurities come from and all that,
and i realized that while each situation i've been through has really added,
there was something that was already... "broken" to begin with.
we were also talking about how, for people with our issue, we've done a really good job at dealing.
it's been really useful to go through what i have to learn how to cope with all of my crazy thoughts.
for example: i don't lead myself in circles quite so often and when i get stuck, i'm more likely to get out.
i've really started to get a hang on how to keep myself out of the dark spots,
but it's getting to a point where i think i need a little push.
it's also become apparent that i feel a little indignant that i don't get the credit for the work i've put into simply surviving.
and lately when i don't want to get a particular job at a particular place, i feel slightly as though it is because i'm being lazy.
i don't mean to be lazy, but i feel like i've put in so much time doing bitch work and dealing with shit without even getting enough praise
that none of this will ever be worth my damn time.
it makes me so fucking pissed off that i put so much effort in and get nothing out.
the definition of a machine is a system that you do work on, and get more energy/work out of.
so i feel like i'm dealing with a broken machine.
this isn't just the general effort like, "oh, i'm trying"
it's the extra that no one sees.
the effort it takes for me to get out of bed sometimes....it's like being sisyphus.
when all you want to do is shut off the world because it seems like an impossible thing to bare
and yet you keep doing something simple like....existing...
it's a lot more work than you'd think.
being depressed is fucking exhausting.
no one thinks of that.
not even the person that's depressed.
you just feel like you're burned out and you don't know why.
i felt like that all summer. (well...more than that, but we'll keep it simple)
i just thought i was just not used to the work or something stupid.
and i hid it well, really.
i worked long shifts, slept fucked up hours (either over or under sleeping), didn't exercise regularly, and drank and smoked when i felt like it.
don't get me wrong, i was having fun in there, too.
in fact, most of it seemed really fun to me.
but there are times when i would feel like less than 10 feet tall...and i would spiral down to being less than 10 inches.
i would feel so small, so useless and so sad...ugh.
it would just be a fucking bitch to think that i'd have to go through another shift.
i'm trying to just make this work.
|Friday, October 1st, 2010|
9:30 pm - a practice.
to do for the rest of the night:|
stuff for tomorrow:
- transcribe story for jon!!! (it's due tonight)
- write one bloggy thing.
- pack a bunch of miscellaneous crap in my room
- pack up laundry to do tomorrow
- sweep the floor
- stretch and possibly meditate
- eat some dinner, damn it.
i like putting a to do list at the beginning of my entries.
- call vikki
- write one bloggy thing
- work on one poem
- start off danger's diary
- pack more books to stasia
- practice some freaking guitar
- clean around the house (sweep, dishes, fridge...)
- go running
- fix my wrist :(
- search for apartments for us to move into
it makes me feel a little bit better and even though some things move from day to day, at least it's out there.
that's the good thing about lists, they get the idea out of you so it's no longer weighing on your head.
(unless, the list itself is weighing on your head. in that case...stop doing that! >.<)
i'm becoming a writing machine!!!
i wrote two new little seeds for poems and i have another story idea.
i'm so excited to work on all of this!
i responded to the facebook stuff.
i'm back to watching my notifications pile up every time i go on there.
it's a pretty interesting/funny/good feeling.
it gives me a sense of power and control.
makes me feel way less addicted and more focused (which are both things i'm working on)
cool things from today:
i'm $125 richer. (bye bye, juanita!)
i'm going to be $629 in the hole....for the sake of paying off the courts. (wooo, i'm not longer a "criminal"!)
matt slept over last night. :)
generally feeling better! yayyyyyy!
things that kinda suck:
i slept for like...an hour instead of taking a power nap. so,...peace out, circadian rhythms.
i spent more time on the computer than i would've liked.
i've eaten really poorly today.
there's still a lot to do, but i'm so glad i'm starting to feel like i'm moving forward again. -big sigh-
fuckin a, i'm tired. calling it an early night. jon and i were using dropbox and the conversation recording that we had isn't there. i'm hoping i was smart and moved it, but i don't think i did. i'm a little nervous about it, because it was a 2 hour conversation and i really just want to copy it so we can work on it.
maybe i won't go to bed, i'm just feeling rather disappointed. i was looking forward to transcribing it.
|Thursday, September 30th, 2010|
5:15 pm - abuse: the nutshell again.
stuff i did:|
still have to:
- called the art alliance
- fuck disney
- all of that unemployment stuff
- call career center
- call vikki! (to wish her a happy belated birthday)
- apply to two jobs (er, two MORE jobs..)
- get brookdale letter to unemployment (er, i should've dropped that off yesterday..
- practice guitar for like...20 minutes. at least
- search for apartments in asbury for us to move into
we got a (new) title for my car and it's going bye bye tomorrow afternoon.
and i'm getting $125 for it.
the bank applied for direct deposit of my checks so i don't have to worry anymore! :)
we're paying off my tickets and bail tomorrow after my mom gets out of court. it feels a lot like i'm just getting rid of money, but it means that i can walk around without putting myself at risk now. it also means i'm a step closer to getting my license back. which means i'm a step closer to getting a car. which means i'm a step closer to freedom.
i still want to go running. i can feel my body craving it (i'm probably going to go after i pack some stuff up in my room after this.)
i'm starting to really feel a lot more inspired to write and have a lot of those things coming out. so far i really like the things that i've been jotting out and it makes me feel really good.
i suppose it isn't good that i skipped out on a job opportunity with snelling, but i suppose i should give them a call tomorrow. i don't know, the lady i spoke to was going to try and have me take an assignment out in freehold which isn't something i can reasonably do in my situation (the whole no car thing...) and she sounded really harsh about anything else.
mom and i had a long talk about me being depressed last night. definitely didn't make me feel better at all. about anything. in fact, made me feel worse. but we discussed treatment and stuff. lately i've just felt like no matter what i hear from people, someone is bullshitting me. i just can't really feel like people are honest a lot of the time and i think it's got something to do with that.
|Wednesday, September 29th, 2010|
1:32 am - a list.
this is blatant abuse of my journal and i really don't give a fuck. i have two back entries i never finished writing for the sake of writing them.|
things to do tomorrow:
stuff i want done this week
- drop off my unemployment claims form
- get to the re-employment orientation (in the same building, so that should be easy.)
- cash my checks from unemployment :)
- ^^^all that stuff is happening around 2-3:30ish
- practice guitar for like...20 minutes. at least.
- call the art alliance (about modeling)
- call snelling (set up an appointment)
- call career center (set up an appoint---wait, i'm seeing a pattern here...)
- call vikki! (to wish her a happy belated birthday)
- search for my car's title!
- apply to two jobs
- pay off neptune! YAY!
- pay a little to ocean! WOOHOO!
- search for apartments in asbury for us to move into
- talk to mom and anna about EMT cert classes
- get brookdale letter to unemployment
- finish disney application
stuff i want to get done
- transcribe story for jon (by friday!)
- write : bloggy things (4? whatever.), finish poems, start new idea poems, danger's diary, letters to people
- finish packing shelves and start on desk
- send out more books to stasia
- respond to facebook stuff
- finish packing out kitchen from living room
- go running
- fix my wrist :(
- change nose ring to stud.
- find at least two prospective apartments to look at
- write more.... letters, stories, poems, danger
- practice guitar more often
- start a meditation practice (energy stuff toooooo)
- going to sleep before 3am? MAYBE?! =/
- a running practice would be nice.
basics: food, water, exercise, hugs.
kombucha, massages and milanos tomorrow. :)
|Friday, August 27th, 2010|
we have serious roaches.
we have them so badly that my mom has decided that we need to move. (finally.) and the way she's going about it is a little funny. we just re-signed the lease back in june and we'd have to break the lease. she wants to make sure she gets her security deposit back (from over 14 years ago!) and the way she's doing it is by documenting each roach we kill.
that's right, she wants us to take pictures and video of every time we see and kill a bug in the house. for the first time in my life, i've been asked to keep a body count and it's not a joke or a video game. it's pretty ridiculous.
the nasty part is that we've started seeing them outside of the kitchen. which means that nothing is safe. it also means that the other night when matt was sleeping over (for the second night in a row... -sigh- i'll get to that in a different post...), we spotted one on my wall and i just reached out and smooshed the crap out of that thing.
it flashed in my mind for a split second that it must be really nasty to have crunchy skin.
i’m not sure if i’m just cranky because i miss my friends, if i don’t have much time to myself, if i don’t have many friends at work, or if i’m working so much. probably a little of all of them. i mean, work’s been coming out good. i almost worked an 11-day stint this past week, but my boss forced me to take wednesday off. which was nice, because i spent it with matt. last night was kind of outrageous because i was so out of it and we had a crazy leblon event going on (really cool, too. i wish i hadn’t been working) so shit was nuts and i didn’t make as much as i could’ve.
so while work is raking in the dough, i’m slowly working my way out of debt and starting to save for a car. and also, looking for a place for us to move. and crossing my fingers about a second job and getting into rutgers. and trying to figure out how to juggle all this right now without a car and being pressed for time. and trying trying trying to stay sane. and positive.
topper for the day so far: just had a conversation with my mother about a half an hour ago about self-esteem issues. not mine, her’s. it was strange, but it was a clear reminder that you’re never too anything to have something hurt you. never too old, too young, too smart, too thin, etc. there’s always something new to learn, something else to uncover, and if you’ve been good enough at running from it, something else from your past to work through. it’s going to be okay.
here’s to hoping the rest of the weekend means making bank. and having monday and next weekend off.
|Wednesday, April 28th, 2010|
4:16 am - It's About Coming Up and Staying On Top
Dear Internet and my beloved friends,|
I have been a slacker. I have been a slacker for about 18 (or so) years of my life. (I'm not counting the first three as I think any three year old is either trying really hard to get it or just doing whatever the heck they feel like. Regardless of which, it is impossible to be a slacker until you have personal responsibility. Which may or may not start until age of four.)
That's not to say there haven't been periods of really highly motivated action on my part. Hell, I know that I'm not a completely proper slacker for a few reasons, one of which being that I've actually accomplished some cool things in my life. Another is that I'm pissed about it.
And I'm so sorry, friends, but I've realized that you are actually part of the problem. I was really hoping you would catch on and make me do that which needed to be done. I was hoping you would be as excited about life as I was. And you failed me.
( Get off your ass.Collapse )
Now this is so I cannot sabotage myself anymore.
Don't expect me to text back immediately. That goes for e-mails, phone calls, and facebook messages, too. I will only answer my phone if I'm not busy. My phone will be out of reach when I'm working on things...or even when I'm not working on things. It will primarily be my alarm clock and day planner.
If you need to reach me, leave a message on this post and I'll check it eventually. I will get back to you if you need me. Feel free to leave messages everywhere. I will probably reduce my usage of any service to once a week until anyone that gives a shit gets this message. (This will be cross-posted as much as I can just to make sure I keep out of all services.)
It's like saying "I love you but leave me the fuck alone."
This is as much a notice as it is a reminder to myself.
|Friday, April 9th, 2010|
4:00 am - with the ex.
had sex with him last night.|
miss him like whoa.
we're not getting back together anytime soon.
we said i love you to each other.
first time i've said it sober.
we went to slam tonight.
had an awesome time.
he kept putting his head in my lap
and poking me during the break-up poems.
come on, man.
|Tuesday, April 6th, 2010|
had a huge crying spell today.|
i still feel like eh crapola.
somehow i feel as though i dumped myself.
we even exchanged i love you's via text.
i just need to take care of myself and reconnect with things.
i hope this wasn't a real mistake that i can't fix or anything.
i just want to know that people care. (and i know, but i want the manifestations of that. ya know?)
|Sunday, April 4th, 2010|
9:19 pm - Warpath Comedy.
With Operation Fuck Up completed, I turn my attention to Operation Fuck OFF.|
The two part mission of Up and Off is a launching program that is only for the quick witted and (more often than not) hard of hearing. The icy heart should approach life with this method, but those with softer organs should be mindful to really attempt this only once and hope that it should be seriously successful. Otherwise, the method is swallowed hard in the first half and the second is left forgotten and utterly useless. Note: the first half is self-destructive and without recovery should the second portion of this method be left off.
Operation Fuck Up entails everything that the title suggests: fuck as much as you can up. Eat the wrong things, sleep at the wrong times, don't do any homework or chores, get into fights with people you love over things that don't matter, think about harmful things when you should be attending to business, be late everywhere, lose jobs continuously, talk loudly in libraries, break dishes, chew too much gum, sleep with people on the fist date, say things you don't mean, bite your nails, treat loans poorly, start owing money to people, slouch, walk without rhythm, forget how to smile, etc.
In the midst of OFU, one must gain an understanding that life is fun! Life is meant to have fun in and this is all just for giggles and thus, nothing that is screwed up can be taken seriously. Of course, give yourself a moral compass, don't fuck it ALL up, that would defeat the purpose of the next operation and just render you into a terrible human being. Remember that you want to do something with yourself.
Operation Fuck OFF happens after it has become apparent that OFU has become too much of a success of excess. You wake up one morning and it is already 1PM. You put on your pants and they're a size too big or small. You have blemishes everywhere. You thing your smile looks too goofy and you're afraid of how yellow your teeth are getting. (Smoking? No, just neglect.) You've spent over three days thinking of things you ought to be doing and you are starting to feel this lingering entropy in your very bones. You realize that even the plans you make with your friends are mediocre and insubstantial.
Time to call in the big guns.
Operation Fuck OFF is born. It is, like it's evil twin, everything the title suggests: tell all of that ugly shit to fuck off. Tell your friends to fuck off for a little while, too. You've got some mess to clean up and some of those friends don't need to see it. OFO is not about becoming a hermit, but about restoring the self. Really focusing in on what has been seriously f'd up previously and working on fortifying a foundation. It is the recovery process for the tear-down.
Sorry in advance to anyone I've been (seemingly) avoiding. Just like a bad break up: It's not you, it's me. I've been thinking of my mess while I'm out with friends and it's not fair to anyone. It's time for some fucking spring cleaning and getting a move on. I'm sick and tired of this mess that I've been carrying around and I know that if I at least focus on one thing at a time I can chip away at it.
I'm taking the next 10 days (starting tonight with sleep) to really work on the beginning of OFO. Simple things: Proper hydration, sleeping at night, homework every day, even maintaining my clean room. From now until say...the 14th. As part of OFO, if I'm unavailable to attend a social event, I'm going to remind myself that it is not my fucking problem and that everyone needs to just fuck off and not bother me about it. Mostly that I should not feel guilty about this shit. I will be that guy, the one that leaves a party early to go to bed or refuses to speak to a friend because it'll go on for hours and drain me. I'm sick of being leeched and I'm drawing the fucking line.
Phase 1: Sleeping 10 hours or so tonight. Drinking water (and pissing like a race horse) endlessly. Eggs in the morning, salad in the afternoon and soup at night for the next 10 days. Morning stretches and daily homework.
Anyone that gets in my way gets the axe. Fuck Off.
Maggie Danger. ;)
current mood: determined